Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize