fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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