I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
