I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
