turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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