i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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