so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
