you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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