I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
