Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
