Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
