Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
