Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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