Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
