3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
