A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
