When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
