Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
