I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
