I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
