How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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