They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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