Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
