did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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