That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
