You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
