theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
