can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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