so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
