John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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