I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize