Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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