I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
