God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
