My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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