I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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