i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
