i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Ladies don't puke and tell
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
