awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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