I wish I could punch you in the face.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize