god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
