So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize