You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
