so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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