my mouth tastes like poor choices
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
