So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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