My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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