these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
