I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
