That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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