there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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