Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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