oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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