there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
