just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
did i just pee glitter
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