guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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