Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
the raccoons are back...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
