Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize