i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
