I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
