??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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