That's intense
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
