I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
