when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
