if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
