I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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